I just want to write a quick post to process and document my emotional state at the beginning of my 38th week of pregnancy.
I wish this was all predictable. These days, NOTHING is predictable! From one moment to the next, I don’t know if I will have fresh motivation to tackle the ever-growing to-do list or if I will feel hopelessly unmotivated and tired and all I want to do is lay down on the couch. With every “practice” contraction (and there have been countless ones today) my mind begins to race–what if the baby comes this week? But he can’t, we aren’t ready! That’s the hard part–baby comes when he wants. I’m torn between my desire to meet him and my desire for him to have a completed room (and for our room to be done before he gets here, and for all the things on my to-do list to be checked off, and for us to have picked out a perfect coming home outfit, …the list goes on).
And then some moments I’m feeling so blessed and full of love for this little guy in my tummy….and now I’m wishing these moments were more often. If I could only push away the clouds of all those other gross thoughts and the sun can shine bright…the truth that I AM BLESSED! I live in the FAVOR of an abundant, good, kind, generous, mighty, joyful, protective King and Daddy. Our lives are about to change forever. Every moment is precious.
I’m in the middle of this dance, this balancing act. Letting go and trusting. Trying not to pay attention to the 4-digit number we owe various institutions for having a baby and for having a house and for a mistake on our taxes last year. Because, it’s just a number and money is just paper and my Father is taking care of everything.
Trying to embrace the truth that the baby is coming and he won’t care or remember if his room was bare and unfinished and he slept in a pack-n-play for the first month. He won’t care or remember if our room is still a mess. It’s all gonna be okay.
So, if I could speak to little Arden right now, this is something I would say (among many other things, I’m sure)…come when it’s time, buddy. I can’t wait to meet you. I feel in many ways unprepared while completely ready at the same time. It’s going to be a whirlwind when you come. It’s going to be so thrilling. And you are going to be so beautiful…I love you, little one, and I eagerly await the day when I officially become “mommy” to the GIFT you are!
As a wise woman once said, I’m gonna try and just “ride the wave.” Ride the wave of God’s goodness and favor and all his surprises, holding on to the truth that I never know what he’s gonna do next, but I always know what he’s going to be like.