Something I jotted down in my journal last week. The Lord is still stirring these things in my heart… So I want to share. Because maybe you’ve felt this way before–hesitant to just receive grace and just move on. This happens to me at night sometimes; I am grumpy and have messed up in different ways throughout the day and I would rather just go to sleep grumpy and start over in the morning than receive grace in the moment. I’m learning, though, that Jesus is a grace-giver in every circumstance I am in because that is who he is. And because he just wants to be with me.
When I choose to just stay in that place of “icky-ness” and guilt and regret and shame I block him out. But when I come and choose to be with him in the midst of all those feelings I receive grace in my time of need… And my heart is stirred and I come alive. Because when i receive grace, I experience Him. And I receive strength to move on, gaining more intimacy with him in the moment.
If I view grace as just a cop-out then I have missed the point. Jesus IS living, breathing, healing and saving grace. Grace who bled for me. Grace who met the powerful judgment of God and came out on the other side resurrected because the same Spirit who lives in me breathed life back into His perfect soul. This grace I encounter in the darkest and lowest places. And it makes me come alive again!
This particular instance happened at 9am last week…
I wake up… Feeling so defeated. Every bad and dirty and ugly thought that could come into my mind does. No way I’m going to wake up and spend time with you this time. Maybe some sleep will cure me instead.
And in the back of my mind, I think… What in the world are you doing? Spirit is willing but this morning my flesh is very weak. I know I need you. I’ll pick up my grace later. Not now.
Yet the whole time I get the feeling that you are not folding your arms at me, rolling your eyes or walking away. You are smiling. You are speaking to me gently. Telling me there’s grace.
And the moment I choose to believe you, the moment I listen, I am blown away by you. I am caught up in your grace.
A thought, why don’t you read this or why don’t we listen to this song.And the depths of my heart are stirred. You know how deep you gotta go to call out to those places. Deep cries out to deep and all the sudden I am coming alive. And I remember… You are not all about my checklist and my goal to wake up at 6:50 in July and I’ve blown it on the first day by an hour and a half. Not concerned with my crummy feelings about myself. Or my laziness and lethargy. No–you just want me! You want me to come alive. To step into the blazing, exciting and living potential of this ordinary grace-filled day. You hand me heaps and heaps of mercy on a gold platter for breakfast in bed and promise there’s more where that came from.
And before I know it my head is spinning with thoughts of living. Maybe today I will finally get started on making pottery. Or bake a loaf of homemade bread. Or go for a walk. Or meet a stranger. Maybe today will be the day I am joy-filled all day long because my heart is filled to the brim with hope of the future. Maybe today will be the day that I laugh at the days to come and I spend the day dreaming of adventures and new things ahead. Maybe today I will fall more in love with my little baby and have more joy than I ever thought possible in just being with him and playing with him. Maybe today will be the day that I have more appreciation for my husband and my heart beats faster when I see him.
God’s grace allows for this. And I experience him in this moments. And it all makes sense.
All because he smiled at me. His eyes sparkling and his arms open. An invitation. Just say yes or no. Who knows what the day will hold? Jesus does and he is smiling. Because today is a good day. A do-over…and it’s all gravy.